a teenage girl's life with body dysmorphic disorder
i think as a society, comparison and competition has engulfed us totally and made it impossible for us to function without comparing ourselves to others (exceptions being the narcissistic and overconfident) and the target of this is mostly teenage girls. including me, and including a lot of us, honestly... it's been a while since i've been able to look at myself in the mirror and deem myself pretty. i only feel so after putting on makeup, filter frauding and then photoshopping myself like there's no tomorrow. when people tell me i'm good looking or at least decent, i never believe them, i think my perception of my physical self is so tainted i don't know how to take a compliment as truth. i can't help but compare myself to every other girl i see on instagram, on tiktok, anywhere on social media, it's not even funny anymore. i looked at someone's profile today, she didn't even have much relevance to my life yet i felt so horrible i couldn't even speak, i was on call with my boyfriend, and i completely shut down, i think my mind just snapped and began hyperanalyzing the flaws i have on my face. and i hate talking about my insecurity, because it sounds extremely attention seeking, sounds like something you would do to fish compliments. and if you've made it this far, please don't message me saying i look decent, or i shouldn't worry about my looks, because not only will i not believe you i will also get extremely irritated. that's what happens when people compliment me, i get annoyed. and when strangers compliment me, i think it might be a prank. or they might have done something bad recently and are making it up by complimenting me so the gods up there will reward them with nice points. do you feel me? body dysmorphic disorder is a curse, and it doesn't only apply to your body. personally my main focus is my face, but truthfully it has gotten better. in the height of my mental illness, i couldn't look at myself in the mirror without crying, pulling out my hair and getting extremely angry. nowadays i feel the same inside but i am a lot better with managing anger towards my appearance. i don't know what to do about it and i don't think it will go away anytime soon. i really hope i get a little bit more confident and escape the insecurity but who knows if i will ever. i just wish i had a genie who could make me conventionally attractive. then my life would be well, i think. anyway, this has been a long entry.... i just wanted to talk about the struggles of dysmorphia and my problems with my appearance. thanks if you've read all the way here #blessup see you later